#MonthofSpreads Day Nine: The Stalker Card

Stalker card
Daughter of Swords
Insight, knowledge, hypervigilence, anxiety, inability to accept imperfection

1. Is there a particular reason that this card keeps showing up in readings for me?
Four of Swords
Stillness in the face of fear, acceptance, rest, inner quietude

2. What can I do to better understand this card?
Spontenaity, innocence, taking chances, embracing risks, optimism

Thoughts
I am anxious and hypervigilant, all the time. It’s part of my neurological make-up. It’s something I live with. But just because bad things may (and will!) happen, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do things that have a risk of failure or negative outcome. Life isn’t perfect – it’s messy and wonderful, and striving for perfection is ensuring disappointment. I need to breathe, release, and embrace what happens – whether good, bad, or neutral. It’s how to grow and learn.

#MonthofSpreads Day Eight – Book vs Intuition

1. What area of my life needs the most focus right now?
XXI – The World
-Intuition
At first glace, it looks like it’s telling me EVERYTHING, BUD, SERIOUSLY, but I think it’s telling me that what I need is unity, wholeness and balance between all the different areas of my life.
-Book
Wholeness, completion, harmony

2. Is there anything potentially holding me back from succeeding in this area of my life?
Ten of Wands (Reversed)
-Intuition
The image on this card at first glance looks like a cage, but, as it’s reversed, perhaps it’s actually a nest. It’s easy to settle for comfort. The harder choice is to progress, even if it’s hard and uncomfortable.
-Book (biddytarot for reversal)
Moving out of hardship, spring cleaning your life, making positive changes

3. What small step can I take to start improving this area of my life?
Nine of Wands
-Intuition
There are many obstacles in my way, but they aren’t simply a mess of obstruction, they lead upwards. Each thing overcome leads me upwards, takes me further in my journey. Persistance is key.
-Book
Strength, stamina, confidence

Thoughts
On the whole I’m really happy with my intuitive reading. None of the cards I drew are ones I’ve drawn regularly – or at all – since I bought my deck, so they really are pure intuitive reads. And though they varied a little from the book, they were close enough that it’s really gratifying.

#MonthofSpreads Day Seven: The Deck Conversation

1. How are you feeling, buddy?
Ten of Swords (Reversed)
Aftermath of difficulty, clear and balanced perspective, awareness of past errors

2. What is the current foundation of our relationship?
Ten of Pentacles
Abundance, completion, fulfillment

3. How can I become more open to the messages given through your use?
Six of Cups (Reversed)
Focus on the present, moving on, growth and development, learning from others

4. Are there any types of readings you prefer over others?
Queen of Cups (Reversed)
Love, compassion and care for the self, acceptance of circumstances and limitations, taking the time to grow

5. What limitations do you have as a deck?
Six of Pentacles
Sharing with and learning from others, being open to insights

6. How can I improve or better our relationship in the long run?
XVII – The Star
Connecting to inner self, allowing hope and serenity in, accepting the unknowable

Thoughts
Right now, the feeling is that life is on the up and that insights into the past are coming into clarity and balance. The foundation is fulfillment and completion – an overflowing cup of wealth. I can be more open by focussing on the present while accepting the past, and by learning from those around me. Preferred readings are those focussing on self-care, acceptance and allowing time to grow. Limitations are only my ability to be open and to share. I can improve this relationship by connecting with my inner self and allowing positive elements in, and accepting there are some things I cannot know.

#MonthofSpreads Day Two: Tell Me Something Good

Card: Ace of Wands
Growth, change, creativity. Ride the wave of energy, but don’t lose sight of good judgement.

I laughed when I drew this card, because I think it’s the most positive card I’ve ever drawn, for the something good draw. I love my deck.

#MonthofSpreads Day One: Past Present Future

My personal card (or signifier) since I was a teenage has been The Star. However, with my new deck for my adult self, I feel more connected to the Daughter of Swords. So I decided to do two readings for this day.

Celtic Dragon Tarot
Signifier: XVII – The Star
Spirituality, hope, listening to inner and universal messgaes

Past: IX – The Hermit (Reversed)
Focus on personal reflection and spiritual self, make time for self, not just day-to-day tasks

Present: XIV – Temperance
Self-control and inner guidance help you through difficulties. Travel provides a new perspective on an old problem.

Future: Three of Swords (Reversed)
Recovery from a difficult period, acceptance of past trauma, understanding of the time needed to heal

Wild Unknown Tarot
Signifier: Daughter of Swords
Insight, knowledge, hypervigilance, anxiety, inability to accept imperfection

Past: Two of Pentacles
Inevitable change that may be frightening but positive

Present: XI – Strength
Courage needed can be found within

Future: Son of Cups
You may be reacting based on impulse or emotion rather than reality. Step back and take stock before acting.

Neither of these decks have reversals as part of their books, but I like trying to read the reversals anyway using internet resources.

All in all, I need to be less impulsive and more in touch with my inner self. I have been hurt, but I am healing. Change happens, but I have a choice how I react to it. I have the courage to weather it.

Well, I deserved that

Sitting here feeling the medium-grade anxiety that is my normal, complete with hypervigilant perseveration, and thinking, y’know, I have Valium now. I’ve taken it once since being prescribed it, for a severe anxiety dream that woke me up in a panic, but I haven’t been taking it for the crap I deal with as a matter of course.

So I thought, well, I’ll draw a card first. See what it says.

I shuffled the heck out of my Wild Unknown and drew The Moon, reversed.
Which is basically the card form of saying, yeah, you have fear and anxiety, and you know they’re about illusions, not reality, BUT YOU HAVE TOOLS SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS, YOU INFANT.

So, I took a Valium.

What my decks lack in subtlety they make up for in smacking me upside the head, apparently.

Two things

Two amazing things happened yesterday

1) My replacement copy of the Wild Unknown Tarot arrived, and after checking every inch I can confirm it is P E R F E C T.

2) For the first time in my (almost) 36 years on earth, I have talked to a doctor who took my word for it that dinky breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, and talking therapy do fuck-all for my anxiety, and that I need help. So she listened, and without any drama, she gave me my first ever script for Valium. I haven’t cried yet, but every time I think about it, I feel like I’m going to. Now, next time I get a day like Saturday, I don’t have to grit my teeth and ride out the misery and hide in my house. I have something that is going to help me step back from that miasma of fear and panic and just get on with my fucking life. I’m so fucking thankful.

So, I’ve been waiting so eagerly for my Wild Unknown Tarot to arrive. At first glance, it looked utterly perfect. Then, after I’d removed the plastic wrap and slipcase, it was clear something was wrong. It’s obviously been crunched in the postal system. I’m eligible for a free refund or exchange, so, that’s what I’m doing, but it means that I will more than likely have to wait another month for my deck. It’s such a shame – the cards themselves are fine, but the box is such an integral part of this set. I just don’t think I could repair it, and I shouldn’t have to, since this is a brand new purchase, not second hand.

So, I’m sitting here trying not to cry, because it’s exactly what Ive been waiting for – so gorgeous – but too broken to just overlook the damage. Crying is such a silly reaction, but it’s genuinely how I feel right now, especially since I put the package aside this morning to open in the evening when I’d have time to savour the unboxing. Just… a really shattering result.