So there’s this dynamic:
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: I *know* that. It’s hot in here.
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: I already explained to you that it’s hot in here!
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: Why do you have to repeat things all the time?!
Often when this happens, what’s really going on is that the autistic person is trying to communicate something, and they’re not being understood. The other person things that they are understanding and responding, and that the autistic person is just repeating the same thing over and over either for no reason or because they are being stubborn and inflexible and obnoxious and pushy.
When what’s really happening is that the autistic person is not being understood, and they are communicating using the words they have. There’s a NT social expectation that if people aren’t being understood, they should change their words and explain things differently. Sometimes autistic people aren’t capable of doing this without help.
So, if this is happening, assume it’s communication and try to figure out what’s being communicated. If you’re the one with more words, and you want the communication to happen in words, then you have to provide words that make communication possible. For example:
Other person: Do you want the door to be closed, or are you saying something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Do you want to show me something outside, or something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Are you worried about something that might happen, or something else?
Autistic person: Worried
Other person: Are you worried that something will come in, or that something will go out?
Autistic person: Baby
Other person: She’s in her crib, and the baby gate is up. Is that ok, or is there still a problem?
Autistic person: ok
Holy fuck.
This changes everything.
*leaves for reference*
Tag: realsocialskills
You don’t have to like being disabled
This is what I think disability acceptance means:
- Facing what your abilities are and aren’t
- Accepting yourself as already having value
- Living your life now and doing things you care about.
- Not putting your life on hold waiting for a cure
But, some kinds of acceptance talk end up putting destructive kinds of pressure on people. And I think:
- It’s ok to like or dislike being disabled. It’s ok to like some aspects of your condition but not others
- It’s ok to want treatment and to be frustrated that it isn’t available
- It’s ok to pursue treatment that *is* available
- It’s ok to work hard to gain or keep certain physical or cognitive abilities, and to be happy or proud that you have them
- It’s ok to decide that some abilities aren’t worth keeping, and to be happy or proud about moving on from them
- All of those things are very personal choices, and no one’s business but your own
- None of them are betrayals of acceptance or other disabled people
The point of acceptance is to get past magical thinking.
It means seeing yourself as you actually are, without being consumed by either tragedy or the need to focus on overcoming disability. It means accepting where you are, and living now, without putting your life on hold waiting for a cure.
Acceptance creates abilities. Acceptance makes it easier to be happy and to make good decisions. But acceptance does not solve everything, and it does not come with an obligation to love absolutely every aspect of being disabled.
knitting in the dark 