Pointless LOTR headcanon of the day: Frodo & Merry both take after their mothers, meaning Frodo looks more like a Brandybuck than a Baggins and Merry looks more like a Took. This is a constant source of petty contention.
(Pippin meanwhile absolutely takes after his father & is the most Tookish looking)
Merry: call me a Took one more time
Gandalf: if it looks like a Took and acts like a Took it’s a Took
Merry: I will END you
Gandalf is the only nonhobbit in the fellowship who understands the minutiae of Took Vs Brandybuck Vs Baggins rivalry & he delights in it, everyone else baffled
Frodo: look it’s perfectly simple. The Brandybucks don’t like the Tooks because they play golf and think they’re better than everyone because they occasionally go on adventures. The Tooks don’t like the Brandybucks because they live on the wrong side of the river and like boats. And nobody likes the Bagginses because they’re annoying.
Aragorn: are you… Including yourself in that
Frodo: I said what I said.
Frodo: now the Bagginses don’t like the Brandybucks OR the Tooks because they’re highly disrepectable but also richer than they are. And as far as a lot of the Bagginses are concerned I’m a Brandybuck because I grew up in Buckland and I have the Brandybuck Profile
Merry: which just means he’s not pug-ugly
Frodo: quite.
Aragorn: this is all ridiculous. Keep going.
Gandalf: Hm now I wouldn’t say UGLY but… every Baggins I’ve ever met has been perfectly Round or perfectly Square… There is no middle ground.
Gimli, baffled: Frodo isn’t round OR square
Merry: that’s because he has the Brandybuck profile
Gimli: so… Is he a Brandybuck…
Merry: ABSOLUTE not
Frodo: slander!! I’m a Baggins how dare you
Pippin: was your father a Round Baggins or a Square Baggins
Frodo: my father… Was the ROUNDEST Baggins who ever lived… A perfect Sphere of hobbit…
FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT TREES LITERALLY ATTACK ISENGARD BECAUSE TOLKIEN WAS SO FUCKING PISSED OFF THAT SHAKESPEARE PROMISED MOVING TREES AND ALL HE GOT WAS DUDES HOLDING BRANCHES
Concept: the Silmarillion, in the style of Lemony Snicket
“Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a workshop and you decide that the Silmarils would look better in your crown, and you simply grab the Silmarils and take them there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it would be excusable to grab the Silmarils, take them to your fortress, and eat them.”
“Finrod was an Arafinwean, a word which here means ‘lithe blonde twink who, for some reason, everybody in the entire world except for Celegorm seems to underestimate.’
Curufin was smitten, a word which here means ‘not Celegorm.’”
“Now, “in the dark” is a term meaning that one is not aware of something that is going on, and has very little to do with physical light, or the lack of such a thing. If it is a bright sunny day and you are sitting in a park and you have no idea that buried beneath your picnic spot is a treasure chest then you are in the dark not in the dark, and if it is the dead of night and you are traipsing through the woods and you are entirely aware that you are being followed by a troupe of ballerinas then you are not in the dark in the dark, and if you are sitting at your kitchen table working and you are so intent on your work that you do not even realize night has fallen then you are in the dark about being in the dark in the dark, until you look up and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark in the dark. And immediately after Melkor extinguished the Trees, all of Valinor found itself very comprehensively in the dark.“
“Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘attempting to make amends with his half-brother who has just threatened him with a sword.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘willing to trust his half-brother to bring him across an ocean in the boats they have just stolen together.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘about to cross an ice bridge, having previously turned back because such a thing was clearly impossible.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘about to charge an evil god and stab him with a sword.’
Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘dead.’”
“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats, or, in Finrod’s case, werewolves.”
me, looking at the current state of the world, crying:I wish none of this had happened…
Gandalf, materialising in my conscience, smiling kindly: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, besides the will of evil.
actually the best part of the lotr cast commentary is getting to hear about sir ian mckellen’s gay agenda
i phrased this as a joke because it is pretty funny but its also worth reading what he said:
IAN: When I suggested to Sean that he took Elijah’s hand it was because I thought anyone who knew the book would care about the deep friendship, often of an innocently physical nature, and that might’ve been missed by two resolutely heterosexual actors who mightn’t appreciate that gay people like myself saw in a touch something perhaps more meaningful than others might. So to persuade him to touch Elijah, I’d say, “Well look, it’s in the book.”
[Sean & Elijah in a separate recording]
SEAN: Ian brought the book to me right before we shot it and he said, “Now look here, it says that Sam runs over and grabs Frodo’s hand,” he said. “The fans of the book are going to want to see that.” I sort of—I believed it, and I got a fan letter the other day that a neighbor friend handed to me, and it said how much it meant to her that Sam holds Frodo’s hand at that moment because it was something that she—it was one of the most important moments to her in the book. ELIJAH: Oh, that’s fantastic. It’s those subtle little nuances, man. SEAN: So thank you Ian. ELIJAH: That’s unbelievable.
Update: Sauron is not afraid of hobbits. He was unaware that hobbits existed up until very recently. he literally did not have time to be afraid of them, they went from a 0 to 100 threat level in twenty seconds. There he was, minding his own business worrying about the usual Elves and Men when suddenly these kids are on his lawn and now he’s dead, like just;
What did— who–
did I just get one-shotted by an infant how is this occurring
Honestly I have to love this whole thought process that the Fellowship must have cultivated in Sauron, like…
“These children have found the Ring! But they’re taking it to the elves, of course. I will simply have to catch them on the way.”
“Well, the elves are still not to be trifled with, it seems. It looks as though they have a group of intrepid heroes, how cute! Wait, who’s leading them? Aw, hell.”
“OKAY! Olorin’s out of the way, and now I can finally kill them all and reclaim the- OH DAMMIT, IT’S IN LOTHLORIEN.”
“Well, okay. They’ve taken it onward. Curunir says one of the halflings is still carrying the ring, so he’s going to capture them and we’ll see how this develops. Thankfully Olorin’s still out of the picture and their little group just shattered into pieces, so that’s one less thing to worry about.”
“Aaaaaand Curunir shat the bed. Excellent. Trees, who would have thought? Okay, so we’re back to plan A: conquer Gondor, because if the Ring’s going to be anywhere, it’ll be there.”
“Wait, who’s on the– Isildur’s WHAT? Ohhhh. Ohohoho. Oh now everything makes sense. Isildur’s Heir is back, and he’s here being all prideful again. That’s fine. Really. I’ll just crush him and his kingdom, and then nobody can stop me!”
“WHAT? FUCKING WHAT? THEY SENT HIM BACK? Ugh, alright, alright, I’m cool, I’m fine. He’s still got that stupid wizard costume on, and I’m still stronger than he ever was. It’s not like he can come toe to toe with me, even if he does have an army behind him. This’ll be fine.”
“They’re… actually marching on the Black Gate? Sweet lord, I didn’t think they’d actually do it! This is perfect, everyone’s right here! Olorin, the human princeling, most of the remaining fighting forces of Men, all I have to do is kill them now and– Wait. Someone just put on the Ring. Someone just– That’s a halfling. They’re inside the mouNTAIN OH GOD NAZGUL GO GO G–”
…aaaaaand curtain.
you can laugh but that is literally what happened
This is the single best brief summary I have ever seen of the entire point of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
aw they’re so ready to fight a guy twice their size with a sword to save their pal hobbits are the Hufflepuffs of Tolkien Land and I LOVE them
NO HE WAS SUCH A SWEET OLD GATEKEEPER
when ya sleepover gets out of control
when you’re the one friend with insomnia and everyone else wakes up late in the morning and you gotta pretend like you haven’t been sitting there having an existential crisis for the past 6 hours
so is this that guy everyone’s been thirsting over for the past seventeen years
don’t think he knows about second breakfast
do you mean to tell me ‘second breakfast’ isn’t some meme ya’ll came up with ten years ago
what’s really wild to me is the last two hobbits weren’t asked or even ordered to go on this mission with Frodo. Literally they could have walked away as soon as they were caught stealing vegetables but they were immediately in it for the long haul. They went from running from some aggravated farmer to hiding from basically the lord of death and suffering and didn’t even blink an eye? Without it even being discussed they’re just like. Here now. Where are we going next Frodo. We’ll follow you. We’ve got nothing better to do. Farmer was out of cabbages anyway. Let’s go to Mount Doom.
*random singing*
mate we’re trying to sleep???
quick question is this dude’s hair ever not wet
THIS IS RUDE
SOMEONE GET HIM A BLANKET HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS
he just pulled out a fuckin pile of swords and weaponised these small, fun loving creatures I swear by the end of this movie at least one of them is gonna have PTSD
their love of food has brought about their potential demise and I wanna be mad but honestly that’s how I see myself going one day
viggo mortensen’s appeal as aragorn is 70% the voice, 25% the scene where the wild horse saves him from drowning, 12% hair, 8% ‘the beacons are lit!’, 3% swinging around the broken blade, 1.03% spitting soup back into the bowl on a windy day, .3% the way he speaks elvish (which mostly fits into the voice, but its elvish so its special), and .0004% when he kicks the orc head and screams
This is blatant “smoking a pipe with his hood on in Bree” and “shoving the double doors of helm’s deep open” erasure and I will not stand for it.
I think kicking the orc head deserves more than a fraction of a percent when you factor in that:
a) He wasn’t meant to kick the head but did it in the moment because he’s that *~extra~* and wears his feelings on the outside
b) In doing so he actually broke his foot
c) Rather than swearing his head off and calling for a medic, he fucking leaned into it and transformed his actual agony into performance, and that’s the take that’s in the movie
Yeah I’m p sure the only person more dedicated to the perfect embodiment of the world than Viggo was Christopher “That’s not actually what it sounds like when you stab a man in the back” Lee, and that’s a pretty impossible bar to top.
Honourable mention to Sir Ian ‘puttin’ the gay in’ McKellan, who made sure every passionate declaration of loyalty and handholding between Sam and Frodo actually got shown on screen. We thank him for his service.
viggo mortensen’s appeal as aragorn is 70% the voice, 25% the scene where the wild horse saves him from drowning, 12% hair, 8% ‘the beacons are lit!’, 3% swinging around the broken blade, 1.03% spitting soup back into the bowl on a windy day, .3% the way he speaks elvish (which mostly fits into the voice, but its elvish so its special), and .0004% when he kicks the orc head and screams
This is blatant “smoking a pipe with his hood on in Bree” and “shoving the double doors of helm’s deep open” erasure and I will not stand for it.
I think kicking the orc head deserves more than a fraction of a percent when you factor in that:
a) He wasn’t meant to kick the head but did it in the moment because he’s that *~extra~* and wears his feelings on the outside
b) In doing so he actually broke his foot
c) Rather than swearing his head off and calling for a medic, he fucking leaned into it and transformed his actual agony into performance, and that’s the take that’s in the movie
knitting in the dark 