Instead of telling yourself, “I should get up,” or “I should do this,”
Ask yourself, “When will I get up?” or “When will I be ready to do this?”
Instead of trying to order yourself to feel the signal to do something, which your brain is manifestly bad at, listen to yourself with compassionate curiosity and be ready to receive the signal to move when it comes.
Things I did not actually realize was an option
What’s amazing is what happens when you do this with children. I hit on it when working at the foster home, where nearly all our kids were on the autism spectrum, and they weren’t “defiant” around me because I said things like, “How long do you need to stand here before we can move?” and “Come into the kitchen when you’re ready” instead of saying, “Stop staring out the window, let’s go,” or “Come eat dinner,” and interpreting hesitation as refusal to obey.
I have also definitely found that doing the “okay when I finish counting down from twenty is getting up time” has been useful.
Yup, that’s way better for toddlers and younger kids. It helps when they don’t have the self-awareness, attention span, or concept of the passage of time to estimate when they’ll be ready by themselves.
Oh I meant for me. XD Saying it to myself.
WELL OKAY WHOOPS XD I should not have been overspecific, I was just thinking about teaching this stuff to the parents at my job and your reblog made me immediately think of you with Banana and the kidlets.
Another hack: when you want to get up but are stalled by your brain and frustrated – stop. Breathe. Think about what you want to do once you’re up, without thinking about getting up. Treat it like a fantasy, no pressure, just thinking about something you’d like to do in the future. Instead of thinking “I should get up” over and over, think about having a bagel for breakfast, or getting dressed in your soft green sweater. Imagine yourself doing the thing.
I find that exercise often side-steps the block and the next thing I know I’m out of bed and on my way to doing the other thing I thought about.
Works for other things too, if you’re stuck on one step and having a hard time doing it, think about the step after that. Need to do laundry and you can’t get yourself to gather up your dirty clothes in the hamper? Think instead about carrying the hamper full of dirty clothes to the laundry room. And when you get to that next step, if you get stuck again, think about the step after it – you have a hamper of dirty clothes that needs to be put in the wash, let your subconscious handle the “carry hamper to laundry room” step while you’re thinking about the “putting them in the wash” part.
YMMV of course, and this doesn’t even always work for me (particularly not when I need to do a collection of tasks in no particular order, like packing for a trip… “pack socks, pack underwear, pack toothbrush, pack pants, pack shirts” is the kind of non-linear task list where this trick doesn’t help at all), but it’s something I’ve found helpful often enough.
This is one of the most beautiful threads I’ve seen on Tumblr simply because it deals so compassionately with an issue so many of us have and can barely even articulate to ourselves, let alone to anyone else. ❤
I think I get overwhelmed from the thought of all of the consequent steps, so maybe I’ll do the reverse of the advice above and try to focus on the first one.
@the-rain-monster i was just about to say something similar. that can work too sometimes. instead of going “ugh i need to eat something” for four hours, i try to focus on each step in turn.
and i mean each TINY step. just getting out of my chair has this many steps:
- pause music
- remove headphones
- hang headphones on laptop screen
- pick up laptop
- leg-bend recliner footrest shut
- set laptop aside
- stand
and i reckon that’s why i get stuck on it; because i’m trying to treat it as one thing, while executive dysfunction is treating it as seven things, and choking on trying to skip to step seven.
concurrent with this is a method i call ‘junebugging’. which is where i go to the location of the thing i want to do, and just sort of bump around the region like a big stupid beetle until the thing somehow accidentally magically gets done. this is an attempt to leverage ADHD into an advantage; i may not have the executive function to make myself a sandwich on purpose, but if i fidget in the kitchen long enough, some kind of food is going to end up in my mouth eventually. and hell, even if i fail on that front, i will probably have achieved something, even if it’s only pouring all my loose leaf tea into decorative jars.*
@star-anise please may i give you an internet hug *hug!* because god how i wish anyone had known to do that for me when i was a kid. my childhood was one big overload, and like 99% of the huge dramatic meltdowns that made me the scapegoat/laughingstock/target of my entire elementary school were simply due to people not giving me time to process the next step, and interpreting a bluescreen as defiance/insult.
*this happened when i was trying to do dishes actually but the principle is sound
yeah i absolutely echo what j’s saying about the steps, it’s a lot like that for me too. i get overwhelmed at the prospect of something that should be simple, and have to slow down and sort out how many steps it’s actually going to take, and what a complicated endeavor it actually is, even if no one else thinks so.
also, i thought i should put in: try to honestly figure out what you’re averse to, that makes things so tough. making a whole bunch of decisions really fast? the potential of things to make a horrible noise? the shame of failure? having to put down what you’re doing now? having to clean up whatever it is you might go do when you’re done?
for instance, for me, the difficulty rating on anything goes waaaay up when a step of a task is ‘go somewhere people will look at you,’ which is for me about the unpleasantness equivalent of ‘jump into a very cold swimming pool right now’. you know you’ll be fine and even have fun once you’ve settled into it, but it still takes a lot of shuffling around and bracing yourself first to go for it. and some days you just don’t fucking want to go swimming.
i discounted this factor for years because i wouldn’t admit that i was so daunted by something so silly as as people looking at me. but, now i know what i’m so aversive about, i can factor it in to plans, and work around it, and be kind to myself. for instance, i was never able to get fit since highschool PE, because i couldn’t make myself go to a gym, or even out jogging. once i figured out the big problem wasn’t avoidance pain or difficulty, it was avoidance of doing a New Thing that i was Bad At in front of Unknown Quantities Of Strangers, which is like a triple threat of stressors, i started working out quietly and safely in my room at night, and i’ve been doing really good on it!
Absolutely loving the tag #you don’t make a broken car work by yelling ALL THE OTHER CARS WORK FINE
I always picture myself doing the thing before I do it, checking possible outcomes. It is good for my executive disfunction because my brain thinks “Ah, O already did it, just repeat”, and sometimes it works. Also, it helps me to to avoid mistakes. The drawback is that everything takes more spoons because in my brain I do everything several times. And I developed this before I knew what Executive Disfunction was … I was just trying to survive.
I was actually surprised to learn that most people “just do” things. How is that even possible?I find usually when I’m stuck, it’s because I’ve grouped too many tasks together, so I go “of all the things I intend to do when I get up, which is most crucial?” and I decide to do only that one thing, never mind all the other things I was going to do.
I know this post isn’t for me, but I think I’m going to use it too. For like, getting out od ved and doing homework, because the only modivation for either is that if I don’t, I’ll be in trouble. Maybe I should focus on the result of the action rather than currently doing it? Idk. I almost never can get out of bed while still kinda tired or upset when my mom isn’t there to tell me I have to, and somedays I just can’t do homework. Does anybody know if the tactics above also work for when you have a lack of modivation? I don’t have anything wtong with me, but I am easily distractible, and I tend to abandon work for things that are more fun and make me happy. If you don’t want someone changing the subject though, I’ll get off your post. Y’all are just so observant. Like, seriously, looking at the big picture? That’s hard. I think we all need to do that.
This thread got even more amazing since I last reblogged it.
imma try this next time i have to fight my ED
Helpful.
But also like, god, there are people who just… do things. They decide to do things. And then do them.
Cannot imagine.
I didn’t realize my ADHD was more that “I am loud, can’t pay attention, get hyperfocused, am very smart and get bored easy.” until I got to tumblr.
Now it’s like “Wait. Hang the fuck on. All these things I can’t get right unless someone is mad at me or I’m in a real crisis are my ADHD?”
The lack of explanation I have about what this really means, when I’ve had a diagnosis 21 years… it’s tremendous. It is.
I just thought life was this hard for everyone and I was just… weak. God. Just god.
Tag: important
No lie, I do appreciate how Tan and Karamo speak out on this to the others, and the others LET THEM, and give them the floor when they’re talking about how being brown/black and being gay intersect. Similarly to the way they give Jonathan the floor when he’s talking about the difference in presentation being being, for example, someone like Antoni and Bobby who straight people generally don’t find threatening, and being someone like Jonathan who, in his own words, never had a CHOICE about being in the closet because “Sky is blue, water is wet, Jonathan is flamingly homosexual”. There are different experiences here, but Queer Eye actually gives them air time to talk about intersections of prejudice??? and that’s… so weirdly cool????
i have thought a lot about censorship and what is “appropriate”. not a lot of people know this, but lolita was written to show what we allow on our bookshelves: there being no swear words in it meant it was free from censorship. a book about child molestation was allowed because it didn’t explicitly use the word “fuck”. he wrote it to show we don’t really care about protecting children, and it ended up being seen as a romance.
someone once told me – actually, many people have – that lgbt content isn’t appropriate for children. any content. not just kissing. i’m drowned in questions: “won’t the parents have to explain it?” “kids shouldn’t be thinking about sex at this age, or do you think differently?” “what will the kids think?”
at six i saw disney movies. people kiss and get married. i didn’t ask “what does that mean.” i didn’t ask “are those people going to have sex?” i didn’t ask anything, because i was six, and no six year old thinks twice about these things. nobody ever “explained” being straight to me, it was a fact, and it existed, and i was fine with that. why would being gay require a thesis, i wonder.
someone once told me that the one of the reasons people hate lgbt individuals is because they can’t see us as anything but sexual. we’re not people, so much as sinners. that they don’t see love, they see sex. just sex. it’s perversion, not a matter of the heart. only of the body.
i think i was in my early twenties before i saw someone like me.
how old were you, though, before you saw violence? before you saw sexual assault on tv? i think something like that is only pg-13, and if it’s implied, they can get away with anything. i remember watching things and learning about blood, but knowing sex – sex was what was really wrong. sex was always rated r. sex was always kind of a bad word. i was told a lot that i wasn’t ready.
i had a dream last night that i made a site where people could ask any question they wanted about sex and get answered by a professional. it was shut down in moments because 15 year olds wanted to know if it should hurt, if “double-bagging” was a real thing, if this, if that. we shudder. don’t let the children know about that!
but at thirteen i had seen enough violence it no longer struck me. i couldn’t say “fuck” but i knew that if you break your femur, you can bleed out internally in under half an hour. in school i wasn’t allowed to write about loving girls because what would the administration think – but i could write about wanting to kill myself and people would say how lovely, how blistering.
i have thought a lot about censorship. sometimes people on this site try it with me: don’t write this, don’t be so nasty. some of it is intrinsic. we know as people with a uterus not to complain about “that time of the month”, we know better than to talk about sexual assault (how shameful), we know that talking about a vagina is somehow scandalous. i can say “dick” and nobody questions me. some people only refer to the bottom half of me by “pussy”. they won’t wrap a mouth around “vagina” like it’s poison to them. even discussing this, that the language halts, that there’s an intrinsic desire to say “girls” instead of “women” – feels naughty, illicit. not for children.
the other day someone suggested i make my blog 18+. i said, okay, it deals a lot with depression and other problems that might be for a mature audience. oh no, they said, that’s not it, i think that’s helpful. i said, okay. so what is it then. well, you’re gay. you write about loving women. and i said, i don’t write about sex often and they said. it’s not about the sex. but wlw isn’t for a general audience. teenagers aren’t ready.
oh.
lolita is recommended for high school and up. i think about that a lot. i know girls who love it, who say it speaks to them on a deep level. it’s beautiful prose, after all. that was the whole point of the novel. something that looked like a rose but was intrinsically awful. i think about how if i was a model they’d want me to look young, thin, prepubescent. how my body would be sold and how through the mall i walk by images of barely-clothed women while mothers cannot breastfeed in public without fear of retribution.
i think about how i can write a novel about violence and it will be pg-13 but if my characters say “fuck” twice it’s inappropriate. i said fuck three times so far in this post, which makes it only appropriate for adults.
i think about that, and how my identity is something that people suggest lines up with a swear word. that people shouldn’t talk about it. that it’s a vulgarity. bad for children, harsh, confusing.
fuck. i love women. which one makes this only for those over eighteen.
This is such a powerful post. Read it fully, and spread it around.
Not sure how true the bit about the reasons behind Lolita are. I’ve never read it as it squicks me. However, someone else noticed the type of website op mentions exists and I wanted to make sure the link was included with the post:
What she says: I’m fine.
What she means: I understand the Chronicles of Narnia was at its heart a fairytale with theological analogies for children. But why did Lewis never address how they had to adapted to life on Earth again. Why does no one talk about how the Pevensies had to grow up with a kingdom of responsibilities on their shoulders, only to return to Earth and be children. Take Lucy, she was youngest and perhaps she adapted more quickly-but she had the memories and mind of a grown woman in an adolescent body. Edmund literally found himself in Narnia, he went from a selfish boy to mature and experienced man. He found a purpose and identity through his experiences to come back as just Edmund, Peter’s younger brother. Did people wonder why the sullen, sour boy came back, carrying himself like a wisened king? Did his mother wonder why he and Peter suddenly got along so well, why they spent so much time together now? And Susan, the girl of logistics and reason came back with a difference in her. She learned how to be a diplomat and ambassador, Susan the Gentle had to live to endure not-so-gentle circumstances. She had the respect she wanted, only to be just another teen girl. And Peter, he entered the manhood and maturity he so wanted. He earned the responsibility and stripes he yearned for. He learned to command armies and conduct the menial tasks demanded of a king to rule a nation. But he came back, appearing to be just anther glory-hungry boy. Not to mention the PTSD they must have struggled with. Especially Edmund. How often did he wake up in a sweat, screaming a sibling or comrade’s name? His parents believe it’s the war, but it’s an entirely different one he has nightmares about. How often did he have trouble with flashbacks and mood swings? And how many times did he and Peter sit over a newspaper or near the radio listening to reports on the troops. How often did they pour over lost battles and debate better strategies. Did their parents ever wonder why they seemed to understand flight war so well? How long was it before they stopped discussing these things in front of people? Why does no one talk about this???
Why am i fucking crying
Why does no one talk about how the Pevensies had to grow up with a
kingdom of responsibilities on their shoulders, only to return to Earth
and be childrenIt’s not addressed because it’s understood. It was the shared experience of the generation. You are describing coming home from World War One, battle wearied and aged beyond belief, but walking around in the body of a youth. C S Lewis went to the front line of the Somme on his nineteenth birthday and went back to complete uni in 1918 after demob.
Not seen it with this very very pertinent addition before
Deleting all comments because only in this site you will find people throwing shit at a 17 year old boy who has voluntarily fed 80’000 people by starting his own business because he has a very particular idea lf masculinity which happens to threat only people with paper feelings.
His business has a line of ‘SheCans’ with names like ‘Unstoppable’, ‘Awesome’, ‘Fearless’ and ‘Beautiful’.
Anyone who is bitter about this kid’s business needs to step back and reevaluate their life.^^
Reblogging again because of that commentalso this article is misleading. there is nothing on the site that says the lad was “sick of his sister’s flowery candles” he got the idea from his sister who was selling them for a school fundraiser and wanted more scents that appealed to him, as the overwhelming majority of scented candles are marketed towards women.
La la la, let’s pretend Infinity War didn’t happen for a quick moment, shall we? (Here is the Infinity-War-compliant comic.)
[2017][2016][2015][2014] [my Cap stuff]
Few quick notes:
- Actually, according to the 1923 Supreme Court interpretation of the Naturalization Act, you could also become a naturalized citizen if you were of African descent. 1924 was when Native Americans were included. Gotta exclude those Asiatics, though. But this is too complicated to put in that one line so… yeah.
- I wanted Steve and Bucky to be in more worker strikes, but apparently the biggest ones in NYC were either immediately post-WWII, or in 1911 following the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, and most of the protestors were Jewish women who worked in the garment industry. (And lbr, they totally missed the Civil Rights movement.)
- Here’s the quick Wikipedia link to the child labor thing. 🙂 I learned so much making this comic!
Happy Birthday, Steve. The world is not that great right now, both here and in Marvel-verse, but let’s keep on trucking.
A Realistic Guide to Self-Care – Rookie
“I want to talk about what #selfcare means in the context of mental health, and what it could look like if you don’t have the funds, time, or ability to relax" 💜
If you or someone you know is in crisis, we’re here to support you 24/7 at: 866.488.7386 🌟 Text and chat available at: TrevorProject.org/Help 📲
I Have An Invisible Illness. Here’s How One Photoshoot Made Me Feel Seen.
“Despite all of that, I don’t “look” disabled… there are no visual cues that I am plagued by chronic pain and fainting spells.
…I can’t help but mull over my experiences with non-disabled people doubting me as I’m en route to meet the photographer for this shoot. Will Sean be able to grasp the nuances of my disability? More importantly, will he care?”
I Have An Invisible Illness. Here’s How One Photoshoot Made Me Feel Seen.
please stop asking for sequels. i’m begging you, fanfic readers. please. you’re already putting in the effort to leave a comment. just. just fucking type what you liked about the fic. you spent a fraction of the time reading as i did writing and now – you want more. and you will not tell me why. please. i am so broken.
knitting in the dark 