I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired
jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him
So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:
John Mulaney – early 20th century
Eric Andre – Probably 17th century or so.
Taika Waititi – Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare
Keanu Reeves – We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.
Jeff Goldblum – 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.
Tommy Wiseau – Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.
Florence Welch – 100 BCE celtic queen, probably told Julius Caesar to fuck off at some point
instead of calling it the spa or Turkish Bath, she refers to Jake going to The Shvitz. (ep: Old School)
Jake wishes her Happy Chanukkah (in the episode Christmas)
instead of getting holt one present, she had six small presents which is just one short of the full seven (see above)
went to magnet school (it was probably day school)
family events center around thanksgiving and never christmas & is in general way more obsessed with thanksgiving dinner than christmas or other holidays
is cuban, and there’s definitely a cuban jewish population (one of the local cantors where i am is cuban!)
reasons why amy santiago wasn’t already jewish but converted to judaism:
she saw a complete collection of the talmud and fell in love with the cross-indexing
that one time she was like “i LOVE complex and obscure rules” when getting paperwork approved for holt
wants a rabbi in her life (both holt and a real rabbi)
loves books a whole lot so probably read the recommended reading list in a week
shavuot is an all night study session and that is the best kind of holiday amy santiago has ever heard of she would convert based on that alone
Gina had no intention of wearing a wedding dress to Jake and Amy’s wedding.
Gina bought Amy a backup wedding dress just in case.
Observe: the dress Gina gave Amy is 100% not Gina’s style. Gina doesn’t do lace; she’s not into a delicate or classy look; Gina goes for stylish glam in episodes where she dresses up. But Amy? Whose pre-Jake apartment was covered in doilies? Amy goes for that style.
In the Boyle Linetti Wedding episode, Gina had a gorgeous dress ready for Amy when Amy arrived filthy from catching a perp. Gina claimed it was “in case I hated your outfit.” Yet the dress looked perfect on Amy; it wasn’t something embarrassing…
So, when Amy and Jake get engaged, Gina buys a back up dress. Amy just tore up a wedding dress chasing a perp she saw while she was in a bridal store; there’s a solid chance something will go wrong on the day of the wedding, and Gina Linetti is gonna be prepared for when those dumb dumbs get filthy.
Gina Linetti wasn’t gonna wear that dress to the wedding. She just didn’t want to admit that she did something so thoughtful and nice for Amy.
“Dammit Diane, what are you doing after this?” // ”Dammit, what are you doing after this Gerald?”
Then saying “I’m gonna die alone” by the end of the episode when I don’t recall anything regarding Sophia or Amy in that ep.
Pimento: “White guy, svelte, thick brown hair, piercing blue eyes…I don’t know I guess you could consider him classically handsome? Is that weird to say?” Jake: “No. I mean – is it? No – I don’t think so.”
“Not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit” – to Holt after Holt was threatening/competitive /// “God you’re being so mean. Do it more.” – To Amy, after she was being rude/competitive (side note Jake also has a mean kink lmao)
Thinking the annoying ass close partners were “awful, for sure…all tall and beautiful”.
Honestly he’s out here appreciating men’s looks constantly and he does it way more than Terry or Charles do.
Talks about the perp being hot and when Amy said “I’d like to bring him to justice” responded with “We all would”
Being wayyyy too into his “Rosa coming out as bi” speech that he had just on the ready.
Does puns, finger guns, and wears leather jackets on a regular basis.
This Iconic Look™:
tl;dr Jake Peralta is bisexual and doesn’t actively know it yet and if he’s straight so am I and that’s unrealistic lmao so b99 chop chop make it happen k thanks love you guys byeeeee
Saving this, because “Dammit Diane, what are you doing after this?” // ”Dammit, what are you doing after this Gerald?” was the first episode I watched all the way through, so I thought Jake was canonically bi. It was only when everyone started getting excited over Rosa without even mentioning Jake that I did some more digging and found out it wasn’t canon already
Eliot on Hardison’s brew pub purchase for ronandhermy.
i want to be clear–this rant right here? is exactly why hardison bought a brew pub
because this, this is a familiar rant. hardison has heard it every time they are even so much as within 5 miles of a brew pub (and, ps, none of those brew pubs ever succeeded in designing a decent menu, per eliot)
when he first sees the listing in portland he cringes and clicks away fast because this is one of the rants it’s not even funny to goad eliot into because it happens SO MUCH and eliot doesn’t even get amusingly wound up, just earnestly offended/annoyed, and this is just the first tenth of the rant, okay? the rest of it involves complicated dissections of where brew pubs in general fail at menu design, and then move on to particular brew pubs who have offended eliot’s soul with the travesty of their menus
no way does hardison want to sign up for a daily dose of that rant, directed at his skills. except then he admits that it would take eliot about 2 minutes to take over the menu design, and this is the guy who can identify the sound of 28 different tire treads over 31 different types of surfaces, okay, he likes a challenge, and really it’s a gift to provide eliot with this opportunity
parker doesn’t look convinced when hardison tries out that explanation. “you sound sarcastic, he’s going to think you’re messing with him, not giving him something.”
and, okay, even in hardison’s head it comes off as sarcastic, as do the fifteen other ways he tries to practice giving eliot the brew pub. the problem is, hardison and eliot are only good at emotions with each other when shit is super tense and potentially-death-filled
hardison clicks away from the page again because it seems kind of hopeless, figuring it out, but then he thinks about eliot having an industrial kitchen to cook for them in, and a staff to order around, and a menu design he’s just secretly dorky enough about to brag about on brew pub posting boards and, well
maybe eliot will knowit’s for him from the get go, maybe he’ll figure it out along the way, or maybe it’ll never click for him, whatever. hardison isn’t concerned about the credit he just wants eliot to have it
like, heimdall saw that shit right? odin comes back through the bifrost and heimdall is just “…………….”
heimdall: that’s a baby
odin: yes! he’s my son! ………..loki. i’m going to dress him in green and black, because that worked great last time
or odin comes back and is trying to figure out, how to play it, and heimdall and frigga are just waiting for him and completely deadpan
frigga: ah, husband! you have returned from war in time to meet your newborn son. who i had. after being pregnant. secretly.
odin: what
frigga:
heimdall:
loki: *baby noises*
odin: right
honestly, i just need heimdall going up to frigga like “you won’t believe what your husband just did”
odin: he’s a replacement for the child I had to lock away in the shadow realm.
heimdall:
odin: I’ll do better by this one. I know I will.
heimdall:
heimdall: You mean Frigga will.
Odin: Please can we keep it? It’s cute and changes colours and smiles at my empty eye socket. I promise I’ll take care of it I’ll feed it every week and I’ll dress it in green and black and I’ll teach it to throw knives and it will be great!
New goddess idea: She’s an earth goddess of the new age who’s domain is spinning and weaving, but specifically spinning and weaving gigantic structural steel cables for construction and other industrial purposes. Her skin is steel grey and hard to the touch and her hair is like long dredlocks of woven steel. She laughs at shitty architecture deigns that will fall apart if actually built and protects well-made bridges and buildings she likes. She might warn you of unforseen danger if you always wear your proper PPE.
Okay now what do I name her
O’sha.
Obviously
THAT’S PERFECT
I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR QUALITY WORKPLACE SAFETY REGULATION PUNS
That’s my goddess. 👍🏻
May O’sha bless you with earplugs that are comfortable and respirators that fit perfectly.
Marvel: Are you ready for the GOD of motherFUCKING THUNDER?????? He’s six feet of RAWMUSCLE and his hobbies include SMASHING things with a HUGE, MAGICHAMMER and being a generally SEXY BEAST
The fandom:
10/10 gif usage
The funniest thing is I imagine Diana and Thor would get along very well, and bond over their dads being the head honchos of the gods. Also lightning and thunder! Diana would probably be like a slightly exasperated big sister to Thor at times. Oh and she can 100% lift Mjolnir and wield Stormbreaker.
and we all know how Thor feels about female warriors. he would think Diana is the absolute coolest
squirrel girl is canonically more powerful than thanos
if anyone is wondering “how the fuck?”: this was a pretty complicated thing that marvel set up, where they evaluated each hero and villain’s capabilities based on who they defeated, how they defeated them, who they were defeated by, and so on.
except, as it turns out, squirrel girl has defeated a LOT of powerful villains. case in point, her very first appearance has her solo-defeating doctor doom, without the help of iron man (who was nearby). this was also one of the few occasions where doom was defeated and it WASN’T a doombot. this turned squirrel girl into kind of a meme once the story hit the internet for obvious reasons, even though this story was just a one-shot. so then marvel brings her back, and has her defeat three villains in one comic, INCLUDING THANOS. (they even had other characters confirm that it wasn’t a trick, it wasn’t a fake thanos, that was actually thanos and he lost to squirrel girl because she set squirrels on him.)
the result? squirrel girl always wins. if there is an argument about “who would win?”, and squirrel girl is one of the options, then she wins by default because she’s squirrel girl. and this means that squirrel girl has to be the most powerful character in marvel by raw stats, because she always wins. you genuinely can’t beat squirrel girl.
by the by: she’s coming to the mcu soon in the new warriors tv show. that should be entertaining.
Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but I know how *I* want the Infinity War plot to resolve.
According to the Russo brothers, Hawkeye is on his own journey during Infinity War and he is in a special spot in the movie
I don’t want him in a special spot, I want more!!
We all walk into the first screenings of Infinity War. We sit down with our popcorn and the lights go down.
Blurry motion on the screen and the sound of heavy breathing and footfalls are all we get for a few seconds, and then it freeze frames on CLINT BARTON, running through a street in New York, being chased by several men with guns.
VOICEOVER Okay. This looks bad.
The rest of the movie is just Clint fighting semi-organized crime in Bed-Stuy for two hours. Occasionally, in the background, you see the rest of the Avengers battling Thanos, but never for more than a few seconds and usually just on a television on mute.
In the post-credit scene, Clint and Kate are eating pizza at an outdoor bistro, Lucky under his chair, all three of them covered in bandages. Clint checks his phone and discovers he has thousands of missed calls and texts. He opens the Avengers group chat and texts, “Did I miss anything? *crying with laughter emoji*”
Smash cut to Bucky Barnes, looking down at his phone, asking, “Who the hell is Hawkeye?”
Well thanks a bunch Sam, now nothing is going to actually be that good and I’ll be disappointed for life.
knitting in the dark 