HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE.
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PORTLAND’S @HandsomePizza MADE A HORNY PIZZA IN MY HONOR??????? .
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IT’S EVEN GOT APHRODISIACAL DICK-SHAPED INGREDIENTS IN IT. These guys are GOOD. .
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EVERYONE GO TO @HandsomePizza AND ORDER THE ME SPECIAL. .
1603 Northeast Killingsworth Street, Portland, OR, .
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What a day. What a magical horny day.
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#handsomepizza #pizza #portland #comics #ohjoysextoy #erikamoen — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/2kCIgeR
“I used to believe that the human race as a whole was basically a few steps above wolves. That given the slightest change in circumstances, we would all, sooner or later, tear each other to shreds. That we were, at root, self-interested, cowardly, envious and potentially dangerous in groups. I have since come to believe — after many meals with many different people in many, many different places — that though there is no shortage of people who would do us harm, we are essentially good. That the world is, in fact, filled with mostly good and decent people who are simply doing the best they can. Everybody, it turns out, is proud of their food (when they have it). They enjoy sharing it with others (if they can). They love their children. They like a good joke. Sitting at the table has allowed me a privileged perspective and access that others, looking principally for “the story,” do not, I believe, always get. People feel free, with a goofy American guy who has expressed interest only in their food and what they do for fun, to tell stories about themselves — to let their guard down, to be and to reveal, on occasion, their truest selves. … People, wherever they live, are not statistics. They are not abstractions. … I’m not saying that sitting down with people and sharing a plate is the answer to world peace. Not by a long shot. But it can’t hurt.” – Anthony Bourdain
Mum brought in two huge bowls of mandarins yesterday when she mowed, and this barely put a dent in them. Apparently, trees are still loaded – mandarins, limes and blood oranges everywhere. Send help.
The recipe I’ve made most is found in Gluten Free Makeovers and is Beth and Jen’s High Fiber Bread, though I substitute three of the flours because some are hard to come by. Millet and Montina I sub for buckwheat and quinoa, and lupin flour for the teff. (Lupin is a bean flour, but be careful – it can cause a reaction in people with a peanut allergy.) I don’t know if the recipe’s on Beth’s blog or if it’s a book-only recipe. I’ve attempted a fair few of the bread recipes in the book, and they’ve turned out pretty well, even with substitutions. That recipe is the one I go back to, though. I often fill it full of seeds, too – poppy, sesame, linseed and sunflower are favourite additions. I often brush the top with sesame oil, too, because I love the flavour and it gives a great crust.
If you’re interested in getting into baking, I’ll tell you this – with most GF bread doughs, you cannot knead them. You need a good stand mixer with a dough hook. If you try to knead by hand, you’ll just get it everywhere and end up with no bread. Use the machine. Also, I don’t know how most bread baking machines go with GF dough. The one bread machine I tried to use kept erroring out, even though we were using the GF recipe from its own manual. Use the oven.
Hey y’all the kid I’m going to be nannying starting in August is gluten intolerant. I’d really like to perfect some recipes for her before I start working with that family.
Does anyone have some good gf baking tips?
I’m going to keep reblobbing myself until I know everything about gf baking
*Avoid or modify the scone recipes as these contain spelt, a low gluten but not zero gluten ancient wheat variety. All other recipes gluten free.
**Not completely gluten free but has a good collection of recipes searchable by tags
From people living with Coeliacs for over ten years, The Basics are:
– The four big ‘no’s’ are Wheat, Barley, Rye, and Oats. Wheat is sneaky because it’s in everything, and because you need to avoid ‘ancient’ variants such as spelt and other variations, such as durum, semolina, cous cous and burghul/bulgar. Barley is sneaky because it’s often used as a flavouring agent – avoid things like Malted milk and Worcestershire Sauce unless it’s labelled gluten free. Rye is sneaky beacause people don’t associate it with gluten. Rye bread is very much not gluten free. Oats are sneaky because it’s a grey area. Some people react to them, some don’t. Some say the only problem comes from farming and processing it alongside wheat and other gluten grains. Some say people who have no reaction to it are still reacting to it, they just don’t feel it. There is a market for ‘uncontaminated’ oats that are grown and processed in isolation from other grains. Some Coeliacs eat these. We are one of those families, but every person’s reactions are different, so it’s safer to avoid if you’re not sure, or when it’s a child.
– Look for alternatives. Other grains and gluten free options are your friends. Buckwheat, despite the name, is not a wheat, and is fine. Just look out for additives. Quinoa is fine, rice is great, beans, pulses and seeds and nuts in their natural forms are fantastic. TVP is a good meat alternative, just check the labels for colourings and flavourings. A good GF pasta is gold – we use Buontempo – but don’t overcook it or it turns to inedible glue. Rice noodles are great, just check they’re 100% rice. Chang’s brand does good wok-ready instant noodles you don’t have to rehydrate.
– Read the labels on everything. Wheat and other gluten containing grains like barley can hide in soy sauce, cornflour, iced tea, potato crisps and other snack foods like crackers and nuts, frozen bake at home fries, soba noodles, BBQ sauce, rice bubbles, corn flakes, chocolate, tofu and other vege meats like Quorn, ice cream, flavoured milks and coffees, sausages and burger patties, crumb coats or batter coatings on meat and vegetables, custard, stocks, marinades and gravy. Gluten containing cereals are used as thickeners, flavouring agents, colouring agents, source of maltodextrin, source of glucose syrup, as a booster of protein in breakfast cereals and as a filler in things you’d think would be wheat free (I’m looking at you, soy sauce.)
– Keep your kitchen spotless. That microscopic toast crumb on a chopping board can ruin a Coeliac’s day, or even send them to hospital, depending on how their allergy presents. Have separate working spaces and kitchen utensils if possible, because that takes the stress out of it. If you can’t, then wipe down and clean everything, every time, if you know there’s been gluten in the area. Separate chopping boards are a must. Separate plastic bowls are ideal, or do what I did and switch to stainless steel and pyrex, neither of which scratch up and retain food particles like plastic does. Consider investing in separate cake tins if you’re into baking, since it’s impossible to clean flour out of every crack and crevice, or be absolutely meticulous in lining with baking paper or dedicated GF silicone liners every time.
– Have a separate tub of butter for your GF friend. No matter what, there are always crumbs transferred from knife to tub. I cannot stress this enough.
– Play around with recipes and learn how baking works. Gluten Free Makeovers is amazing for this. Making my own bread using the flours I could get my hands on using Beth’s substitution table was one of the most empowering things I’ve done. Plus it saves you a whack of money. Premade shop bought gluten free bread is hard to find, expensive, and most of the time, underwhelming to say the least.
Eliot on Hardison’s brew pub purchase for ronandhermy.
i want to be clear–this rant right here? is exactly why hardison bought a brew pub
because this, this is a familiar rant. hardison has heard it every time they are even so much as within 5 miles of a brew pub (and, ps, none of those brew pubs ever succeeded in designing a decent menu, per eliot)
when he first sees the listing in portland he cringes and clicks away fast because this is one of the rants it’s not even funny to goad eliot into because it happens SO MUCH and eliot doesn’t even get amusingly wound up, just earnestly offended/annoyed, and this is just the first tenth of the rant, okay? the rest of it involves complicated dissections of where brew pubs in general fail at menu design, and then move on to particular brew pubs who have offended eliot’s soul with the travesty of their menus
no way does hardison want to sign up for a daily dose of that rant, directed at his skills. except then he admits that it would take eliot about 2 minutes to take over the menu design, and this is the guy who can identify the sound of 28 different tire treads over 31 different types of surfaces, okay, he likes a challenge, and really it’s a gift to provide eliot with this opportunity
parker doesn’t look convinced when hardison tries out that explanation. “you sound sarcastic, he’s going to think you’re messing with him, not giving him something.”
and, okay, even in hardison’s head it comes off as sarcastic, as do the fifteen other ways he tries to practice giving eliot the brew pub. the problem is, hardison and eliot are only good at emotions with each other when shit is super tense and potentially-death-filled
hardison clicks away from the page again because it seems kind of hopeless, figuring it out, but then he thinks about eliot having an industrial kitchen to cook for them in, and a staff to order around, and a menu design he’s just secretly dorky enough about to brag about on brew pub posting boards and, well
maybe eliot will knowit’s for him from the get go, maybe he’ll figure it out along the way, or maybe it’ll never click for him, whatever. hardison isn’t concerned about the credit he just wants eliot to have it
my grandparents have to lock their car doors when they go to sunday mass because people have been breaking in to unlocked cars and leaving entire piles of zucchini
i feel like i should’ve added more context when i posted this. my grandparents live in a rural area where farmers and casual gardeners alike are, at this point in the year, suddenly being hit with unexpectedly abundant zucchini crops. there aren’t just some random vandals leaving zucchinis in people’s cars for the hell of it, this is the work of some very exasperated, probably very elderly, folks who have more zucchini than they know what to do with
Yep. You can also expect to find a bag of zucchini on your porch.
My grandfather once found his neighbor stealing his tomatoes out of his garden at three in the morning. Red-handed, with a basket of the nearly-ripened ones. He thought he was going to find gophers or something, but no, here’s Henry, taking his tomatoes. The best ones.
There was a long pause between them.
My grandfather (allegedly) said, “Henry… it’s OK. You can take some tomatoes if you want them.”
Henry sighed in relief.
“But,” my grandfather said, “you have to take two zucchini for every tomato.”
There was another long silence. “That’s a harsh bargain, John,” said Henry. “But I accept. I’ll tell Joe up the street, too.”
My grandfather said, “Tell Joe he needs to take three.”
a friend of my dad’s came by in the middle of the night, he seemed very nervous when my dad answered the door. he wouldn’t come inside but he leaned in and whispered to my dad in spanish, “i have some fresh grapes for you.” and then this happened:
the melon was a special bonus.
MY DREAM
A friend of mine lives in a rural area and he has been surrounded by zucchini for most of May, June, and July.
At one point he was so done with the whole zucchini madness that he came to classes actively begging people to “Please please please!! Take some my family’s damned zucchini!! I’ve been eating zucchini for weeks!! I’m going insane!!!”
Having grown up in a rural area and having come home to zucchini on the front step or in the mailbox, i find it highly amusing the OP had to clarify. I’m sitting here nodding “yup.”
I have a friend with a garden in Oregon who literally made Zucchini Chocolate Chip Cookies and sent them to me in Indiana. I texted her back “I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE”
I’m waiting for the day when someone will hear about my background in Botany and ask me for advice on what someone who’s just wanting to start exploring planting vegetables should try.
I know fuckall about gardening because my background is wild plants and not agriculture, but I’m gonna tell them
“Zucchini. Definitely try Zucchini. Just plant plenty of them and you’ll get a decent sized crop! They’re very rewarding to grow.”
It may be a bit of a long game, but I’ll enjoy their screams of despair from across the void as they realize that they will eat zucchini forever
This is NOT an exaggeration, guys. Zucchini (and most squashes, really) will outgrow you so fast. Let our tale be a caution– or an encouragement, whichever. You decide as you hear the story of Squish.
When we were so broke we had to choose between gas and store-bought-food (I think I was about 10?), we had a garden so we could eat regularly (we also had chickens and pigs and hunted, but that’s beside this point). One summer, we planted 6 rows of yellow squash and 6 rows of zucchini. Each row probably had 10, maybe 12 plants in it. We created this giant squash-block in our garden plot so it was all right there together in the middle, and the needier plants like tomatoes were on the outside of the whole plot. We thought we were clever, til the first crop started coming in.
The outside two rows of each squash, yellow and zucchini, were normal. High yield, of course (because squash), but standard size for both summer squash and Italian zucchini. The inner 8 rows, however, created this hybrid monstrosity that we called Squish. It was pretty– a nice swirly yellow and green combination that made it clear the squash and zucchini had interbred.
Squish became a living nightmare for us. Something about the hybridization caused them to forget how to stop growing, or at least how to grow at a normal rate because those suckers were longer than my dad’s forearm, and bigger around than my (albeit child-sized) thighs. They didn’t get all hard and nasty on the inside, either, for some reason, like most squash will at that size. And they just kept coming. I don’t even remember seeing that many flowers, but every day we were pulling upwards of 20lbs of Squish out of the garden, only for there to be more the next day, or sometimes by the end of the day if we harvested in the morning. I don’t know where they were hiding, but it was like some sort of squash portal had opened into our yard and started crapping out Frankenstein’s Squashes.
At first, it was great. We could eat all we wanted and not worry about rationing it. But the growing season in Arkansas is long, and we had incredible weather that summer, so those darn things kept alternating flowers and fruit. Pull off a few Squish, new flowers budded out, and they ripened super-fast in the heat. We were absolutely swimming in Squish, because they were so big that even gorging on them meant only 1 or 2 got eaten per meal. (I think I recall using a few particularly enormous ones as swords for a duel with my sister, if that says anything about their size. I cannot overemphasize how absolutely, heinously gigantic they were. You probably don’t believe me but I am not kidding. Those things were bigger than a newborn by several many inches and a couple pounds.)
We had (luckily) a big deep freezer, and someone gifted us a bunch of freezer ziploc bags, so we started chopping them up and freezing them as we pulled them off. We ran out of bags real fast, so we caved and bought a ton more. We filled that deep freezer near to bursting. It was probably 3-4 feet deep, (as I remember barely coming up to the edge of it), and at least 4-5 feet long, about 2.5 feet across, and we filled it to the top with Squish. And that’s while we’re eating fresh ones every day with dinner! But still more Squish came before the first frost, so we started packing the fridge. And my grandma’s freezer. And my grandma’s fridge. And feeding them to the pigs and chickens. And giving them away at church.
Do you realize how big a deal it is that people who were so broke that they had to choose between gas and the power bill were GIVING AWAY FOOD??? That’s how much gosh darn Squish we had. And little did I know, but apparently, my dad HATES squash. He only planted them because they were a cheap, quick source of food and my mom loved squashes. And he got stuck with the folly of his decisions. For over a year.
Yep. We had Squish in the freezer for over a year. Eating it regularly. It lasted for over a year. A family of 5, plus often feeding my grandmother, we ate off a single garden’s haul for over a year. Of just the Squish. I tell you, if we’d had a farmer’s market back then, that Squish could probably have single-handedly lifted us out of poverty. Well, maybe not, but you get the idea.
We never planted both again, probably because my dad would have combusted out of rage if he’d ever seen another Squish in his life. But man those were the days for thems of us what loved squash.
So survival tip: If you need an absolute crapton of food, plant you a row of yellow squash and a row of zucchini, and keep that pattern going for as many rows as you like. You too can drown in Squish and love it.
Oh wow.
The last story is well worth the read. It might be long but I found it absolutely delightful! Thank you for sharing your childhood Squish gardening adventures!
Meanwhile, people are starving to death.
Ands What do you expect poor rural farmers who just have excess zucchini to do about that exactly? Mail them to Africa?
I was just talking to a friend today about gardening and she said “I’ll plant zucchini for this project.”
“Oh dear… what’s your damage control plan?”
“Oh,” she said, intuiting what I meant. “Eating the blossoms. Love stuffed blossoms. Pumpkin, squash, zucchini. It keeps the crop down, and you get lots of mileage out of them. You keep a mixed crop that way, too. Plus, people don’t always welcome gifts of zucchini, but they find gifts of blossoms exciting.”
This struck me as absolutely game-changing.
We occasionally got left a box of zucchinis longer and thicker than my arm by a neighbour when we lived in the country. So we made relish. This recipe is amazing. Hot, sweet and sour, and with a beautiful balance of spices.
Sweet Courgette Relish from The Preserving Book
Makes approx 1.5kg (3lb 3oz) (2 medium preserving jars)
Takes 1 hour 25 minutes
Keeps 6 months
Ingredients
900g (2lb) courgettes, finely chopped by hand or food processor
1 large onion, very finely chopped by hand or food processor
500ml (16fl oz) cider vinegar
350g (12oz) granulated sugar
2 tsp English mustard powder
1 tsp tumeric
1-2 tsp chilli flakes
2 tsp cornflour
2 tsp coriander seeds
Method
1. Put the courgettes and onion in a preserving pan or a large heavy-based, stainless steel saucepan. Pour over the cider vinegar and stir to mix.
2. Add the sugar, mustard powder, turmeric, chilli flakes, cornflour, and coriander seeds, and stir over a gentle heat until the sugar has dissolved. Bring to the boil, reduce the heat, and cook, stirring occasionally, for 40 minutes-1 hour or until the mixture has thickened. The relish is ready when it is the consistency of burger relish. (Dragging the spoon across the base of the pot reveals a clean pan.)
3. Ladle into warm sterilized jars with non-metallic or vinegar-proof lids, seal, and label. Store in a cool, dark place. Allow the flavours to mature for 1 month, and refrigerate after opening.
My Notes
Out of the relishes and chutneys I’ve made, this is my absolute favourite. It’s easy to scale it up if you’ve got a greater volume of zucchini, so long as your pot is big enough, and people love this relish as a gift. I’ve found it keeps fine for longer than six months, so long as your jar is sterile, something easily achieved by filling your jars while the mix is piping hot and inverting the jars to sterilise the lid. Also, though it says to mature it (and it will be better if you do) it is perfectly edible and delicious when it is first made. That’s great if you’ve got an uneven amount of product and there’s a half-jar that needs eating. Goes beautifully with burgers but also on sandwiches, in cheese toasties, on baked potatoes, and by the spoonful if you’ve got a craving for it.
My future is already here, they desperately needed guacamole this morning. (Don’t worry, I didn’t give them any, they got freeze-dried chicken treats instead.)
@copperbadge too exotic for their little tums? Reminds me of the time Kit-Kat insisted she have some of my Brinjal pickle. I literally got bitchslapped for it.
I think the avo would be all right, but the spices in the guac mix (including onion powder) aren’t good for them (the salt’s not great either but the effect of that as a one-off would be negligible). That has not stopped them from COMPLAINING LOUDLY about their lack of guacamole.
Avocado actually is mildly toxic to cats.
Most of our cats will just sniff something they were demanding to see, with an offended expression of “How DARE you show me this thing that I don’t want?”. Especially if it’s a can of veggies. They HEARD the can opener, but fish did not appear!
Avocado is basically poisonous to everything EXCEPT humans. Do not give it to your pets! Also bad – onions/garlic/chives, macadamia nuts, artificial sweetners like xylitol, grapes and sultanas, anything from the lily family (even just brushing up against these can be toxic), and certain essential oils (don’t use an oil burner while cat owning, the effects are cumulative and can be fatal), alcohol, apple and stonefruit pips (cyanide), and, of course, chocolate. It’s also best not to give cats dairy. There are special formulated cat milks if you want to give them a treat.
knitting in the dark 