dad: oh god it’s starting shut up i’ve been waiting for this for months
(movie starts)
dad: THESE ARE THE BICEPS OF FREEDOM
dad: i don’t know what’s happening but the french guy fighting cap looks like french macklemore
me: how do you even know who macklemore is?
dad: i’m hip. i’m cool
me: don’t you do it
dad: i’m gonna pop some tags, only got 20 baguettes in my pocket
(five minutes later)
dad: is that the Falcon? that’s totally the Falcon
me: how do you know?
dad: i used to read the comic books trust me on this i’m an expert. his superpower was that he could talk to birds
me: birds?
dad: i mean in hindsight it probably wasn’t the most useful thing ever

dad: if this winter soldier is supposedly a ghost in the machine that nobody’s ever seen, and nobody will ever catch, you would think showing up in broad daylight and blowing up cars would not be his modus operandi

dad: how the heck did he laser through concrete??
me: idk dad it’s nick fury he can probably do whatever he wants

dad: i’m sorry attractive nurse who just so happens to live next door, my heart belongs to a seventy year russian dude with a bionic arm
me: what
dad:

dad: nick fury isn’t dead. justice never dies. he probably has a billion clones in some top secret storage facility, just waiting for their organ harvest.
me: ew dad gross no

dad: i really relate to that apple store employee
me: we all do dad

dad: oh that’s that guy from the first movie! i remember him! he was my favorite, his eyes were so blue, and he loved steve so much. i wanted them to get together
me: dad good god
dad: he was a little less marilyn manson at that point though
dad: not that guyliner isn’t a good look for this guy
dad: when a deadly russian assassin wears eyeliner, it’s ‘he’s so dreamy’ and ‘wow what a badass’
dad: but when i do it it’s ‘you’re too old’ and ‘bald guys can’t pull off make-up’
me: dad it was halloween and it was one time you need to let this go

dad: so bucky barnes, aka cute cocky guy who died in the first movie, aka steve roger’s best friend/boyfriend, is a top secret super scary brainwashed hydra agent?
me: mmm-hm
dad: called it

dad: do you think single handedly destroying jets is just a common, everyday thing for cap? punch a few tanks, feed a few pigeons, take out a plane, help old ladies cross the street…

dad: captain america is like your grandad minus the booze and the cussing

dad: in all honesty that was a little anti-climactic
dad: i was 100% sure nick fury was gonna descend majestically from the heavens, ‘All I do is Win’ blaring in the background, and single-handedly save everyone’s ass

dad: scarjo and chris evans are two of the most beautiful people in the world and they are both in this movie and i don’t know how to feel about it i have butterflies in my stomach i’m a schoolboy again
me: you know on second thought we should have brought mom

dad: where’s hawkeye? where’s bruce? where’s tony? where’s thor? WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER AVENGERS AS THE ENTIRETY OF SHIELD IS COMPROMISED AND NICK FURY DIES
me: maybe they figured steve could handle it
dad: maybe they’re all lazy assholes