A busker plays music for a blind autistic girl sitting in a wheelchair. She’s being allowed to stim (flapping and rubbing her shirt) and respond to the music her own natural way. The busker places her hand on the guitar to let her see what is creating the music, and she smiles as he sings to her.
They made a connection.
That is autism acceptance.
Take note. Many autistic people will open up to you like a flower if you gently connect with them in ways that work for them instead of forcing them to connect with you in ways that only work for you.
I hope that sweet kid grows up to be a musician or artist! 🙂
Holy shit. I have ALWAYS thought the people around me were being unconscionably intrusive and power-playing in their starter conversations and they told me I was antisocial and oblivious to culture norms. Turns out, maybe I’m just from a different culture.
Huh. This is really interesting.
I’m disabled, and it’s really uncomfortable to field that question about work in a social setting. (”Why no, random person at the yarn store, I don’t want to tell you about that, or about the nature of my disability”.)
I like his
“So how do you spend your time?”
question better.
A formative experience in my early twenties was when I was in a mixed group of people and we were instructed to pair off and get to know each other. My partner and I looked at each other glumly. I was a young white girl who had arrived from another country and was painfully lost and alone. He was a magisterial black British man in his forties with a greying beard and interesting clothing. He looked at me with the expression of a socially awkward introvert being asked to do a group exercise, so I tried to Hlep.
“So um what do you do,” I started, and then I saw this most complicated and weary and sad expression on his face and just yelped “WAIT no I’m sorry I’m SO sorry I didn’t actually want to ask that! I meant! AH! What do you love!!!”
“Ugh,” he said. “Well, I really love pottery.”
“I ALSO LOVE POTTERY,” I yelped like a Hleping chat-robot.
“I am assisting my disabled elderly father in his dying process, and I am not currently employed,” he said.
“I have just immigrated and I am not currently employed,” I said, gratefully. “What kind of pottery do you like.”
“The kind that is rough on one side and shiny on the other,” he said.
“ME TOO,” i said.
The leader came over, “how are you getting on?”
And we both barked, in the identical tones of introverts being asked how they are getting on, “WE LIKE POTTERY.
We took two pottery classes together, made some rough/shiny objects and never spoke again.because he did not believe in the internet, and at the time I did not believe in phones.
But I think about him, and that exchange, all the time. I didn’t even want to know what he “did.” I just felt like it was what adults say. And if I hadn’t recovered the question I wouldn’t have known Hermes and made a bunch of really fucked up pots with him
See, I know I ask the wrong questions at times, and I know some of that is due to WhitenessTM, but some of it is because I’m an Autistic person trying hard to Do Conversation by trying to remember what neurotypical people talk about and HOW they talk about it, which is heavily informed by media, because how else do you learn anything? Basically I’m nearly 37 and I know I fuck up about 60% of the time but I’m trying to be a person and not be racist and ableist. And I’ll never stop trying, because social interactions do not come with a script, so every new conversation with a friend or an acquaintance or a person at a store is like stepping into deep water and trying to remember how my limbs work so I don’t drown. I apologise in advance if my flailing injures you; it’s a constant battle, but I’m never going to NOT try to do better.
[Image is a poster explaining briefly the origin and meaning of green, yellow, and red interaction signal badges, referred to above as Color Communication Badges.]
if youre not autistic or suffer from an actual disorder, dont use these. its not cute.
er… you know a lot of autistic people go to conventions, right? And people with social anxiety disorders and panic disorders? Shit if I could get away with using this at work I would.
I would like to introduce myself. I refer to myself as Sam Thomas, though my legal name and how a lot of people know me is Matthew. I am officially diagnosed autistic.
If you have any question as to the truth of this, I would like to direct your attention to this YouTube video that ASAN produced promoting the above-mentioned conference. I appear as the first person in the video and you can find more images of my face on my blog.
At this conference, not only did we use these communication badges pictured above, but we actually had the opportunity to meet Jim Sinclair, the inventor of these badges.
During the part of the conference in which Jim Sinclair gave us a history of Autism Network International (ANI)—which they were a co-founder of—they talked to us about the establishment of this particular piece of assistive technology. Basically, it was a simple idea that seemed to fit a need and quickly became very popular among many autistic spaces for it’s practicality and ease of use.
The conference it originated from is called Autreat and is held annually by ANI. This is an autism conference that accepts Autistics and Cousins (ACs)—that is, anyone diagnosed or otherwise self-identifying with any disorder autistic or similar that may share a number of autistic traits.
There was a need. The need was met. This is how we can safely assume most technology either emerges or becomes popular.
We also talked about something called Universal Design and the Curb-Cutter Effect. The Curb-Cutter Effect is when something to fit a specific need is found to create convenience in a broader area than intended. Curb cuts allowing for wheelchair accessibility to sidewalks proved to also be convenient to anyone who may have trouble with steps or even simply a mother with a baby stroller or maybe a child with a wagon. This is a desirable outcome with disability rights advocacy as creating convenience for non-disabled people often makes the assistive technology easier to advocate for.
In this sense, these colored communication badges could serve that Curb-Cutter effect. Not only would this be perfectly acceptable for non-disabled people to use for convenience, but would also help to increase their effectiveness and convenience for those of us who need them. Here are a few examples:
Increased popularity makes the colored communication badges more easily recognizable to the general public, making them as effective outside the above-mentioned autism conferences as inside.
Increase in demand would create increase in supply and availability, likely making these available to pretty much anyone and even being included with, say, the name tags you are required to wear at most cons.
In addition to these helping people recognize the communication state of the wearer, the wearer will be able to recognize whom they can feel more comfortable to approach.
Increased popularity would make these badges more acceptable for public use and less alienating to those who would wear them frequently.
This is not something that we are completely incapable of surviving without; this is something that was convenient and made our lives a lot easier. If that can be easily shared with the general public, then what purpose does it serve not to share it?
Thank you for reading.
I’d just like to add since it wasn’t mentioned by autieblesam, there’s a reason for the symbols as well as the colours – this is so that they’re accessible for people with colourblindness. As autieblesam said, like kerb cuts, this system can only HELP society if it’s more widely implemented, but DO IT RIGHT. Keep both the colours and the symbols, and keep them obvious – brightly coloured badges, lanyards or bracelets that are easy to read from a distance. People are going to screw up and accidentally address people who don’t want to be occasionally, and that’s unavoidable, but you reduce the chance of that happening drastically if you remember that the purpose of these is communication and don’t stylise, downsize or modify them to the point that they’re ineffective.
I hate how asking “am I annoying you” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
literal actual pro tip, because i used to do this, along with “are you mad at me?” (which, as you know, results in people getting mad at you.)
try asking instead “how are you feeling?” or “i know you’re probably not [x emotion], but i’m having a rough day, could you reassure me that we’re cool?” that way, the focus is on either finding out how they actually feel in that moment, or on the fact that you need reassurance. they shouldn’t get upset that you’ve “assumed” (i know we don’t have control over it!) how they are feeling, because you haven’t said anything of the sort! you’ve only asked how they are feeling or if they can reassure you.
the trick here is making sure you’re surrounding yourself with people who are willing to be honest about how they feel + provide reassurance. (people who are not willing/able to do this should probably not be your close friends, though. idk about you all, but friendships like that are full of doubt and anxiety for me.)
As an autistic/adhder who struggles with reading vocal tone and expression, I rely on ‘am I annoying you’ and ‘are you angry’ on a regular basis because I genuinely need to know this information. ‘How are you feeling’ is useful if I actually want to know the other person’s general state of mind but the former are NEEDED because they are specific and to me, bored, thinking about something, tired, in pain and annoyed ALL LOOK THE SAME. Unless I ask, I am uncertain, and I might make my partner annoyed by misreading a situation. ASKING COSTS NOTHING and she answers me honestly. It saves time and stress on both our parts. I need specifics. Generalities might work for others, but for a lot of ND people, brutal, truthful nonambigious honesty is so, so much better. YMMV, but that’s my personal preference. I understand puns and idioms, but NT doublespeak? Why don’t NT people just say what they meeeeean? Seriously.
This isn’t as directly related to the theme of shame as most things I post here, but I keep coming back to the idea that I should post something about it. Toward a Behavior of Reciprocity by autism researcher Morton Ann Gernsbacher is an academic paper, but instead of describing new research it’s mostly a critique of problems with mainstream autism research and therapy.
Reading this paper was surprisingly emotional for me. In a thoughtful, academic way, Gernsbacher describes some of the most painful parts of autism stigma and shows why they aren’t true. I seriously recommend reading this paper to anybody who was bullied or labelled a “problem kid”.
Her main point is that people apply the ideas of “social reciprocity” and “social skills” unfairly. People blame things like the bullying of autistic children on autistic children not having social skills, as if the people bullying us have nothing to do with it. As if being a bully isn’t a violation of social rules too.
Gernsbacher says:
“Other items on the Social Reciprocity Scale [a checklist developed by researchers to measure autistic children’s social skills] illustrate the thesis of this article:
Some professionals have forgotten the true meaning of reciprocity. Consider the item,
“is regarded by other children as odd or weird.” This item appears to measure other
children’s lack of social or emotional reciprocity. Regarding another child as odd or weird implicates the regarder—not the target child—as lacking in empathy or understanding.”
The rest of the paper goes through several other examples of researchers, teachers and parents who “lack reciprocity” toward autistic people, including some descriptions of ABA therapy. Then it explains some research that shows how much reciprocity and understanding from parents, teachers, etc. can help autistic people. That seems like an obvious thing, but it’s cool to see research that proves it.
FYI – the content of this paper is also available as a powerpoint style presentation with voiceover on vimeo HERE, which might be helpful for those who are interested in the content but find dense blocks of academic text difficult to process. There aren’t any subtitles but the key points are summarised in bullet points, which might be enough to be helpful for those with some auditory processing problems, but not for those who are d/Deaf or who have no comprehension of verbal input.
Other person: I already explained to you that it’s hot in here!
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: Why do you have to repeat things all the time?!
Often when this happens, what’s really going on is that the autistic person is trying to communicate something, and they’re not being understood. The other person things that they are understanding and responding, and that the autistic person is just repeating the same thing over and over either for no reason or because they are being stubborn and inflexible and obnoxious and pushy.
When what’s really happening is that the autistic person is not being understood, and they are communicating using the words they have. There’s a NT social expectation that if people aren’t being understood, they should change their words and explain things differently. Sometimes autistic people aren’t capable of doing this without help.
So, if this is happening, assume it’s communication and try to figure out what’s being communicated. If you’re the one with more words, and you want the communication to happen in words, then you have to provide words that make communication possible. For example:
Other person: Do you want the door to be closed, or are you saying something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Do you want to show me something outside, or something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Are you worried about something that might happen, or something else?
Autistic person: Worried
Other person: Are you worried that something will come in, or that something will go out?
Autistic person: Baby
Other person: She’s in her crib, and the baby gate is up. Is that ok, or is there still a problem?
EXCEPT, what people need to realise is that ‘person-first’ is not the only way and that for certain people and certain groups, ‘identity-first’ language is preferred by many of their number, the d/Deaf/HoH and a/Autistic communities in particular. (neurowonderful has a good links post about identity-first language in the a/A community HERE.) If someone tells you they prefer identity-first language, RESPECT THIS. Don’t feel that it’s your place to tell them they’re wrong/not PC, explain to them that they ‘are not their illness/disability’ or that they’re ‘letting their illness/disability define them’, or ‘giving in to their illness/disability’.
Disability being seen as an exclusively ‘negative, dehumanising’ thing is incredibly problematic. A disability is a thing a disabled person/person with a disability has to live with. It impacts their day to day life, health and abilities. It does not make that person any less human than anyone else. You know what does that? Telling that person what they’re allowed to call themselves or identify as.
IT IS NOT YOUR DECISION. IT IS NOT YOUR CHOICE. IT’S THEIRS.
If you don’t know what form of language to use with someone, take your cues from them or ask them, ‘what do you prefer?’ if it’s important for your interaction.
And don’t use reclaimed words unless you’re entitled to use them. Someone with mobility issues calling themselves a cripple? Someone with mental health issues calling themselves crazy? They’re allowed to. You calling them or someone else that without permission or prior consent? Don’t.
as an autistic person, there is a huge difference between me acknowledging i’m not able to do something because of my disability, and other people assuming i’m not and trying to speak for me
the former is me accepting my limitations, the later is people limiting me
we autistic people can speak for ourselves, maybe not in the way allistic people would expect, but we can. all of us can. you just have to learn our way of doing so instead of forcing us to learn your ways and treat us as burdens if we can’t
{image is a photo of Brooke standing on Luau’s shoulders on the beach in Newport, RI. She looks as though she is flying. Photo courtesy of Connerton Photography’s magic lens. All rights reserved.} …
knitting in the dark 