msbeeinmybonnet:

(The title is the only facetious thing about this meta. You have been warned.)

WARNING: explicit discussion of suicidal behaviour and all that entails

Disclaimer: I have never been suicidal, so I might not the best person to write this meta; all I can draw from are my own experiences. For two years when I was a child I was steadily getting sicker in a mystery illness until it got to the point where I was expecting to die and stopped caring about it (but was upset that I wasn’t upset) – it was milk allergy, by the way, and I am obviously fine now. Then a few years later I had such a depressive period that while I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to live either. So I am using these and the stories I’ve heard and read about to extrapolate. If anything rings false, however, please message me and tell me so, because the last thing I want is to be hurtful on this subject.

(I’m breaking up this meta in two parts because it’s monster-sized and I don’t know how it got that way.)

I just want to start off with saying that I don’t believe that Steve is actively trying to kill himself during the course of The Winter Soldier, but rather doesn’t care if he survives or not. He is a self-destructive mess; there is an important distinction to be made there.

To go back a little in time, The Avengers pretty clearly established that Steve is suffering from PTSD and survivor’s guilt; even more so if you count the deleted scenes. After the adorably cute introduction scene in TWS we’re tempted to think that Steve has started to heal from the trauma, but I think the opposite is the case. The Steve we see chatting with Sam is just as much a shield as the vibranium one. Steve doesn’t want to be a bother, doesn’t want to burden anyone, so he puts on a brave face and smiles. I’m willing to bet money that he did exactly the same thing when he was younger and ill. Always seeing the positive side of things, no matter the situation.

The fact that Steve is not okay becomes painfully clear when he speaks to Sam after the VA meeting. First we have the fact that Steve completely understands where the vet who dodged for a plastic bag came from, but the thing that makes all the alarm bells go off is this part:

 

That little smile, combined with those flat eyes, are among the most tragic things I have ever seen. This is Steve confessing that he doesn’t see anything worth living for. But, in true Steve fashion, he says it with a smile.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Long before that scene at the VA meeting, we have the one at the Quinjet. Ho boy. We have Steve complaining about being Fury’s janitor, taking on the most dangerous job, cracking a very dark joke and jumping out of the ‘jet… without a parachute.

Now, the distribution of duty can be explained as Steve being his usual selfless self; he is after all the one most likely to survive taking out an entire deck of hostiles. But the bitterness, even when said with that sweet little smile of his, is worrisome and alarming. Steve has a very dry sense of humour, a not-immediately-obvious one that is amazing, but he isn’t bitter. Well, all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so no, not really is not a typical Steve joke.

And then we have the fact that he jumps without a parachute. Don’t tell me he did it for practical reasons. He used a parachute back in ‘43, while the plane was being shot at, and he deliberately refrained from using one this time. That was a high-risk gamble; it payed off in the end, but the risk was Steve breaking an awful lot of bones or even dying on impact. That kind of behaviour is completely reckless.

 

But let’s talk about the fight with Baltroc. When Baltroc taunts him about I thought you were more than a shield, Steve calmly puts it away and takes off his helmet. At first glance, this is another unnecessary risk Steve takes for no understandable reason. While I agree with that it’s definitely another alarm bell, I also think it goes deeper. There is an excellent meta by verysharpteeth that goes into the differences between Steve’s and the Winter Soldier’s masks, and points out that Steve’s helmet is removable whenever he chooses. And that’s what he does here; he chooses to remove Captain America and become Steve Rogers again. I suspect this is because he feels he is loosing grip of Steve; in this century, no-one knows Steve Rogers. No-one knows that sickly little kid who got beat up in alleyways because he had more honour than sense. No-one knows the artist who dreamt of living off his drawings even during the Depression because it was his passion. No-one knows the young man who was orphaned before turning 20 and watched his mother waste away in TB. No-one knows that behind the serum-enhanced body, it’s exactly the same kid there.

In this century, the only one people know is Captain America.

So I think that while the fight with Baltroc definitely has shades of Steve being passively self-destructive, I also think it’s about Steve clinging to his own identity, to Steve Rogers, the man behind the mask.

This continues in the scene at the Smithsonian. As Steve walks around the exhibit, he only skims past the entries about about himself, sometimes even ignoring them. The ones he linger at are of his friends; the Howling Commandos, Peggy, Bucky. Especially Bucky, who he – in Steve’s own mind – failed.

 

I want to stop here for a moment. Another fabulous meta by philcoulson brings up how Steve has always been reckless with himself and how it probably is partly due to feeling like he logically should have died years ago and is thus desperate for his life to mean something. Taking this into account, one can hardly start to imagine the survivor’s guilt Steve must be feeling, particularly in regards to Bucky. Because unlike the other Howlers and Peggy, Bucky didn’t get to live a full life; he didn’t get to return home from war, he didn’t get to make a family, he didn’t get to grow old and bounce grandchildren on his knee. Bucky died in the line of duty, under Steve’s command, protecting Steve and Steve has still not forgiven himself for it and probably never will. Bucky was always a survivor; it should have been Steve who died on the train that day. That is what should have happened if the world was logical.

Instead Bucky died, leaving Steve alone and with enough rage and grief to turn from just wanting to fight bullies to actively avenging Bucky’s death. After Bucky’s death Steve goes off the rails in TFA, and he was skirting the line to start with.

Something I won’t linger on, however, is how Steve runs after the Winter Soldier after Fury is shot, for the simple reason that it’s perfectly in-character for him. Stunts like that is what Steve does. He doesn’t like windows but does like jumping off things, this is a well-known fact.

No, the pivotal event in this scene is something else entirely. It’s the purpose Fury gives Steve. TWS is an amazing movie when it comes to thematic contrasts and mirrors, and here is another one I strangely haven’t seen a lot of talk about. Just like the Winter Soldier lives for his missions, so does Steve in this century. When Fury hands Steve that flashdrive, Steve gets a purpose in his life again. He has a world to protect, people to save, he has responsiblity and his actions matter again.

Unanchored by the absence of family and friends and a purpose in life, Steve is just as lost as the Winter Soldier is between missions. They are both men out of time, living in isolation. They are men that are actually islands.

But. This starts to change, however temporarily, when Steve gets this new purpose. He sets out to save the world once again, because it’s what he does. He investigates, he gets in trouble, he regroups. But let’s pause here for a moment.

This scene always makes me bite my lip. On one hand, Steve is amazing and in his element, fighting-wise, and it’s a joy to watch. On the other hand, taking into account his previous behaviour, it’s also worrying. I am referring especially to his leap of faith from the lift.

The logistics of that jump has already been pointed out by ellidfics and scifigrl47 but it still stuns me. I understand that Steve was very much between a rock and a hard place – jump out or face an armed elite squad – but it was still another insane gamble with high stakes. Like I’ve said before, Steve is incredibly reckless with himself in this movie. That is not to say his strategic mind isn’t brilliant or that he is in any way stupid, just that self-preservation seems to be even lower on his priority list than before.

I think I will cut here and direct you to part two of his (way too long) meta, which will feature Steve’s fight against the Winter Soldier, the entire helicarrier scene and a surprisingly positive look at the ending of TWS. No, really, I’m serious.

Part II

(gif sources: 1 commandersass & 2 msfili & 3 tochi-tanis & 4 yourcannibalneighbour & 5-6 thenightshalllastforever & 7-8 msfili X & 9-10 tochi-tanis & 11 karyn-filmfanatic & 12-13 thxwintersoldier)